But no one argues against working! Yeah if I like the person and might be into it I usually friend-flirt with a depends on why!. We teach children that they must answer questions put to them by adults, that they have no choice in the matter. This relationship goes both ways. I usually respond Why do you need to know? unless its someone I really trust. - Ogden Nash - Old timers, weekends, and airplane landings are alike. You could just ask. For that matter, even confident people can fall into the What are you doing Thursday? trap when theyre trying to sound unassertive. Thats possibly reasonable to do with a minor child, but youre still acting to preserve a parental level of dominance over her as an adult. Ill have to check with E and let you know is super convenient. Examples include: Good, nice sunny day out there. And my mom thought I was like the most studious kid ever, because I knew that if I ever looked like I had free time, she would fill it with chores, so I always had some kind of project to work on (I did have the grades to back this up or it wouldnt have worked). In every group Ive been in it is socially acceptable and expected that you can say youre busy for whatever reason you want. If youre female and you answer, and then he decides your time sounds like it should be at his disposal and asks for a date, and you dont want to go, now youre stuck in that ugly probabilistic space where various sorts of threats, anger, and violence may be coming at you. Have a Happy . And for that age range of teens into mid-twenties, its developmentally normal to not adult well in spaces/tasks/areas of endeavor where they cannot do so unsurveilled by childhood parental authority figures, but to abruptly adult extremely well and competently when freed from that surveillance. It still feels awkward, even though I do not think she is trying to manipulate me or claim my time. When a friend asks and I find out that I am busy I often offer some other day to show them that I am interested in hanging out with them. This realization makes me like Tuesdays more.) You're not obligated to tell others your plans for the future, if you even have them. Lets do it.). Sometimes friends do tell me theyre free, but if I suggest something, they might still say nah, not what I want to do this weekend and thats fine as well! Mind you, I am white and middle aged and cis-passing, if not actually middle class OR a lady, so this may not work as well for everybody If you have people in your life who you trust not to get offended at this exchange, definitely give this method a try. I have not observed him asking this many questions to other bank customers, not that I hang out in there much, and maybe they give him more satisfactory/interesting answers). HUGE, HUGE, HUGE numbers of parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, and its designed to make the adult child respond to powerful guilt buttons installed by the parent and capitulate to what the parent wants, because the adult child is programmed to believe if they dont have a good enough excuse, they have to go attend on the parent at the time in question. Thanks for the invite though!. If someone just says yeah that tells me theyre not actually that interested. I completely agree, it is always best to begin with the intention: I need a babysitter, I am planning a board game evening, I would love to spend time with you and catch up. The mental stress is the same whether you interrupt a current rest period or interrupt the chance to get there before it before it starts. But when its a thing I -did- want to go to, its 100% better to ensure that I have made plans for the actual event and not have to deal with last minute changes due to someones mistake or mishearing. What the letter-writer is doing seems a bit like foreign people not grasping at first that Americans dont expect How are you? to be answered literally. My father nearly died in my arms, and you cant meet me at the airport to show me you love me, because you dont like being told what to do? Also, the teachers here will not do your homework for you. My response to that is usually a sassy Depends, why?. Its mostly me trying to figure out a friends general level of free time and not impose if theyre busy or dealing with a crisis. Turning oxygen into carbon dioxide. Person A: Im fine. Im asking because you absolutely will pay for it in terms of impacts on the long-term relationship with the person she will become. Trying to remember the name of that weird person you remind me of. Flip the question back to them. When Ive used it outside of the US and on people who are not Anglophones from birth, its often perceived as prying which, in those countries, it is. 2. This is a very funny response to give to "whats up." On the other hand, being around them makes my shoulders go up around my ears. This one is a bit tricky for me. Its totally true that you can opt out of those things. Flying in a rocket ship. If theyre just curious, they can say so, if they want to invite you to something, it gives them the chance, and if you feel like engaging further, you can. Me: Working. As unfathomable as it is to me to want to be out and about with other humans pretty much every night, it is unfathomable to them to want to spend a whole weekend under a blanket with a book. Give small truths. I can get behind being annoyed with the sister whos trying to manipulate her into babysitting, but I think theyre reading a lot into the question when its being asked casually. Born and raised in the US, and I also think this is a weird question not to answer literally. I have trouble entertaining myself sometimes, I definitely dont want to try to entertain babies and pets. Ive been known to do that to friends, since Im one of those people who freaks out when I hit the wrong key and the computer does something unexpected. You're supposed to live it and enjoy it. It's to funny for everybody. Absolutely! Not always). is how this has been explained to me, and it makes perfect sense. If they really are trying to manipulate you then Im afraid having just the right words wont fix it you will probably have to say no directly when they finally get to their request. We went swimming in the lake and had a little bonfire." This is a good response to use when your weekend with family was more on the slow-paced side but was nonetheless enjoyable. It can be all consuming, leaving no time for askers invitations or request, or totally flexible and cancellable if there is something you would like to do. Im sure its benignly intended but its intrusive. LW is a better person than I; I would be tempted to say, I desperately need to re-grout the bathroom and weed the garden. I absolutely support you insisting on it and tossing her out on her ear if she doesnt want to. Why do people ask? So, sometimes it is a trap! Its okay if I dont want to share the details of what Im reading with coworkers. It doesnt matter if those plans are eating candy while watching Netflix with no pants on, they technically are plans. I like to piss her off so Im honest with her. Its harder to say if someone doesnt do their fair share of emotional labor, or figuring out their fair share of chores if theyre not physically or mentally able to do the same amount as you. But I dont think you can compare me to your dad. not? I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. Yes, people use this question for all kinds of reasons, as LW said. On the other end, I have a tactic for weekend planning. But I think often we like to pretend that there are no such tradeoffs, and thats not helpful in the real world. No, they just assume that you will want to do the thing. Unless I have specific plans that I want to talk about, my two go to answers are: Oh, Im not sure yet! if Im open to a suggestion from who Im talking to; or Oh, Im not sure yet, why? if I feel like theyre being nosy or trying to figure out what my schedule is so they can invite me to something when they know Im free then put pressure on my if I say no (mother, Im looking at you). (My brother and sister in particular also had to learn from both their friends and myself that, just because they love me and love them doesnt mean that were all friends) I could only imagine if that question were followed by an expectation of service or freedom to assume I was going to a thing. I'm going to say this to my parents. Ask back? This comment has clarified a thing for me. Oh LW this might be one of my very biggest pet peeves. But then she would ask me to babysit her toddler. Thats my go-to when someone asks me what I am doing at some point in the near future. When exercising the advantages of a perceived difference in class or power, however, refraining from using or responding how are you? is an old patrician tactic designed to keep the interlocutor in her place. ), You can also be very vague, but leave the door open for follow-up if you want to share. And its hard to argue with. Being a grown up with a family, studies and a job, friends and hobbies my life is often busy and so is my friends so we often use this website https://doodle.com/ but then people always know what kind of an event we are trying to schedule. Id rather know the thing up front so I can answer it directlyare you free without telling me the activity feels like a setup. Paris color stylo eye shadow neon skirt Paris color riche le stylo eye shadow bronzed How much vitamin c does a clementine have Loreal paris color riche stylo smoky eye avant azure What to get a guy for valentine's day Paris stylo smoky eye shadow hollywood Why is friendship better than relationship Desculpa para sair mais cedo do trabalho View Each Day as an Opportunity, Not an Obligation, Everything That You Can't do Because You Have Kids. What are you doing?, Unless Im doing something unusual, its true; its wonderfully vague and gives no information; and I get to immediately turn the question back on the asker (which often leads to a better conversation anyway.). Interesting. Okay, there is something a bit screwy with this guy. It changed how I felt about her for a long time. Catching up on sleep, doing chores, spending time with my partner. Hah. More detailed/truthful responses are typically only shared with close friends or family. I get that. Just about the only good answer is, That doesnt work for me/us, followed by, Asked and answered, when they dont want to take that answer. I think people use that particular question instead of asking outright so they can feel out whether the person has any plans or our open to hanging out before they ask them to commit to a specific thing. Im pretty thoughtful about when I feel Im entitled to expect her participation, and when Im not. Youve also brought up some generational preferences on communications. Also, Ive had dozens of this same conversation and witnessed hundreds more: [person comes up to their friend] Am I supposed to answer? At least, it never has for me! Leisure time is notI give up my leisure time to hem her pants or help her move back from college or make her dinner. For people I know, the answer is closer to what you say is the norm in Sweden anything from Having a truly awesome day to Need more coffee to counteract the baby waking up an hour before the alarm. For close friends, I can and have answered with details about what the brain weasels are up to today. Jana: It's ok. I'll catch you later. To her it was rude. Answer with small truths. Photo by Josh Rocklage on unsplash 02 "Not you, unfortunately." When someone is fishing for a date or a maybe-babysitter, though, I turn it right back around on them. The method that has been the most successful for me is to ask one person if theyre available/interested in an event, work out a date, and then specify such event in a group chat. Im one of those foreigners who are mystified with the use of How are you? in the US. She does recognize that its a way people make small talk and that its not likely to go away any time soon. Person B: Oh, fine, thanks. 3. Can't complainI have tried, but no one listens. Its a conversation starter, and its my choice whether I continue the conversation by answering or by reflecting it back at them. Just wow. and the goal is to just be ok with letting them down when they are the ones who have set an unagreed demand on your time. Its been pretty good policy.) Once in a college class, we had a group of students who had American parents but had grown up in other countries come and talk to us about the experience of having a foot in two cultures. Not making it a big moan-y you alwaaays ask that! just an in the moment, you know were close enough that we dont have to do this dance sort of thing. !" 6) "Come back here weekend!! My friends do it alllll the time. At least once I figured out that they genuinely *didnt* need to know anything about me if they were going to behave that way I could default to oh my god Im so busy! I guess turning down invites is probably just a point of stress for me though, because people have historically gotten annoyed at me for being busy and turning down their invites, when its just like Please find out if Im actually available first so you dont take it personally that I cant hang this weekend?. And luckily the people asking me are perfectly able to graciously accept a No. Giving my turtle a haircut. Its okay that I dont want to tell my coworkers the details of what Im reading and I get to choose who I want to share details of my life with. I think part of it, too, is that I have mental health issues and physical issues so sometimes the questions make me feel pressured to have a good weekend. You just reminded me of the ex-husband of a friend I used to know. Me: Yeah, Ive got some stuff I have to get done. I dont know whether youre being too thoughtful or not thoughtful enough here. I hope this email finds you well. I probably picked it up from my mom, who does the same thing. Then I can pin them down on what, and when, without having pre-committed myself to some favor they were hinting at sideways. Im planning an event on Day, are you free? picked up a shift right off the bat. Funny Responses To How Are You Save Image: Shutterstock Somewhere between better and best. I prefer living and working in places with a major international contingent for that reason so that different is what is normal. Hey, dont you owe me one for babysitting last Onesday? 3. 1. :) Hope you like our compilation and try to stay serious ,please . Thanks! Thats the kind of bullshit that is so often behind the oh Im so nice to your differentness behavior belief that you shouldnt be what you are, and that you probably did something not right to get there. Its okay to say you are within your rights to do these things anyway, because you are. I used to preemptively dodge any potential would you like to / can you do X follow-ups by making vague allusions to being busy upfront (PASSIVE), and then Id weakly paw away their insisting that I can/should be able to do it because THEY think I have the time to. But the thing is that people who were born in other contries than here (Sweden) ask me where Im from all the time. TootsNYC, why do you feel entitled to some of her time because shes a member of your family? hours of 8 p.m. and 1 a.m. on Friday and Saturday because it will make you seem like you don't have anything better to do on the weekend. Person A: Hi, how are you? Its okay that sometimes my anxiety is bad. Shampooing the grass. A little of this, a little of that. If I have to treat her like a grownup, and not like my minor child that I can boss around, she can fucking treat ME like a grownup, and not like her mommy that she takes for granted. How are you? You're confident and independent, but you still overthink this kind of stuff. Why do you ask? is my go-to response as well. K- keep a distance from work. Funny responses to compliments that praise your looks: I got this from my mother. I definitely would never say this to in-law oversteppers. I chitchat with cashiers so its totally fine to say something like, Ah, gosh, so crazy today I got a flat tire and Im just grabbing something easy for dinner. In other words if you have the time and energy to construct a lowkey, mildly entertaining story then go for it, otherwise just stick with Great, how are you? and you can let the conversation drop from there. Climbing mt laundry! It makes you feel like whatever you do, you are expected to conform to being othered. It sounds like he'd get into some fun and adventurous dates. Source: Facebook. Thats where I am as well with my kid. He would intentionally just hint around until they offered. To put it another way, I guess: this is such a normal way to open a conversation that being annoyed by it means that you will be annoyed by a wide variety of people, forever. )in a way that seems to be back firing. 2) They are thinking of asking you to do something with them but are fishing around first because theyre afraid of asking directly right out either afraid of rejection or sometimes afraid of putting you on the spot or sometimes they just feel like it sounds too abrupt and unnatural to just without some chat first. I always answer with [local Canadian area], because its 1) true and 2) not at all the answer theyre fishing for (although I sometimes? If they mean well then they will try to stop when you explain that you prefer to be asked directly. That is a question I ask a lot, but its aim for me usually isnt to exepect that if they are not doing things they will be free for whatever I want. Helen Huntington already explained it very well. "Continue breathing." BTW, the most usual response to that last exchange is, "Works for me!" Depending upon the sophistication of the inquisitor, the final line may be "Continued respiration." Sponsored by Interview Success Formula Job interview secrets revealed. I understand that theyre just trying to be friendly and make small talk but it still feels invasive. But again, that often leads to a fraught conversation or hurt feelings that arent worth dealing with. Mentioning your actual plans is one. Clearly, I am not giving him the answer he wants, but I dont particularly want to keep having the conversation. Nanani, that is absolutely true. I don't know, you tell me. It took a long time to figure out that I could just cheerfully respond, Why do you ask? In a friendly middle-class-lady voice, (almost as if I hope they are going to tell me something wonderful!). That, or non-questions. For grocery store cashiers, I keep the answer short: Wet, on a rainy day, or Need more coffee this one particularly for coffee shop baristas, who probably hear it too often. 8. Yes, this. Accompany your morning treating with a Halloween wish. Its not really surprising when you think about the mechanics of it its basically stereotype threat / stereotype threat removed. This will hopefully lead to the two of you sharing what your plans are and possibly hanging out. LWs letter got me thinking and i thought about using this kind of questions and realized that the only time I actually use them is with really close friends with whom I would just like to hang out or intend to make plans together. 22. I also see are you free Saturday? or What are you doing tonight? as potential traps and in part its because in college the manager of the dining hall I worked at would call, start with What are you doing tonight? and then argue that whatever I said was less important than covering a shift for someone. or are you busy?). what are you doing?. Sometimes, it's good to be a little silly and fun! And then if its something I dont want to do BUT its a person I dont want to discourage, I can say, That sounds like youll have fun! Because our societys patterns absolutely will not let anyone think it could be possible that what I, for example, would be doing with that time is letting my brain process the mathematics that will lead to an invention that most of us will never hear about, but it will make all of our lives better. Its okay that sometimes Im in physical pain and need time to recuperate. Catching up on sleep, doing chores, spending time with my partner. I feel like my best friend and I do this back and forth a lot, but thats because we understand there are tiers to plans. .except I have a ton of folks in my life who literally ask this to trap me into doing things for them, so thinking their intent is innocuous after being shown time and again it isnt, doesnt necessarily fit the bill- specifically based on the reasoning LW gives. As long as I sound friendly, folks who have no ulterior motive take it at face value, and the ones who are being invasively nosy, or hoping to trick me into something, are taken aback and sometimes given subtle notice that I will set boundaries This strikes me as so strange! You can answer a pleasant: Nothing much! or Youre looking at it, breakfast was great! or I hope you get some free time later today, the weather is lovely! without worrying about it at all. Good old traffic, Ill probably be stuck out all day!, or Nope, gotta get the groceries, what about you?, or Nah, looking forward to some peace and quiet, hows your Wednesday looking?. The kids DO like my origami and I was able to get in some geometry pointers with that. I know whats best for me. If they continue after that, theyre super pushy and rude and Ill say as much. It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. Trying to build a house. But I hate this because then I have to pretend to wait while I figure out if my original plans are going through before I give them an answer. I love days where I have no obligations and I can go where the wind takes me. So far, everyone Ive said this to has gotten the message that I want an obligation free day. I feel like something mundane like chores will get some pushback, or wont be seen as a task that takes up the whole day(s) off (if I do laundry Saturday, I can still go out Sunday! Your kids are loud. And suddenly many things became clear. Youre my first choice, but you are not my last hope., (3) So, I know this is a little awkward, but recently Ive realized I like you in a um well, in a romantic way, and I would love it if we could maybe go out on a date sometime and see how that goes? Ive got some stuff to do around the house, etc. Its great! Xoxo. When I am planning an event I usually offer a description of what I have planned first and then we move to scheduling but most of that is done in social media or by e-mail these days. How can I ask in a way that minimizes that feeling? Hello, theres a related phenomenon of *cashiers who dont know you* asking the question. When I issue a soft invitation I am often not sure if the person wants to hang out at all, and getting a Yes, get in touch and let me know when youd like to do something would encourage me to go on and do the planning whereas Yeah, we really should I would be more likely to read as I dont really want to do anything. To me layering (which I definitely do) is more about putting my information out there first and hinting that Ill be chill if you say no, as opposed to initiating the conversation while asking the other person to show their cards first, which feels at the least unfair, and at the most, as you say, like a trap. Might I suggest a they or a xie, my friend. I am a Guess person, and that is not going to change (and I often feel annoyed at people who seem to think that it shouldmy brain wiring is okay, too! And I understand many of your points. I have actually thought about writing in about this one as well. If someone challenges me on something, my default response is to assume the other person is right and I am wrong. So whats the fallout if I tell her I need her help with something, and she refuses without a good reason (because she wants to play Minecraft or listen to a podcast)? Note that LW says when it comes to friend-peer interactions, its fine, other than reminding LW of the more problematic interactions. Nothing too exciting, Ive got a bunch of things on my to-do list. I feel like letting her sleep is far more important than my social life right now., Sorry, I know it sounds like a stupid excuse. It is perfectly ok to want some calm alone time or time with a cat watching Winter Olympics (that is actually great, our cats especially seem to love skiing) and no-one else really needs to know. Not much fun, but also not optional right now. (Aunt doesnt need to know whether your laundry has reached the point of not going to have clean clothes to wear or not.). / Is it OK for so-and-so to tag along? But it can also just mean I love you and want to hear about things youre doing that youre excited about; it comes up all the time with friends who live far away! Getting this question still stresses me out because I feel like I have to work 100x harder to set and enforce said boundaries than if people just asked up front. I also (insert similar hobby or interest). I may need some babysitting Its just that nobody expects a stranger or lesser known acquaintance to actually want to answer the question literally. Someone responding with why do you ask? would basically make me instantly take a mental step back from that person in terms of comfort level. I, personally, issue a lot of soft invitations because I actually dont want to go to the trouble of planning something with someone who doesnt want to hang out in the first place? Its not so much about stopping the question before it comes (pretty much impossible!) But I explained that I feel like Im being put on the spot- and I would prefer that she just ask me what she wants. Cousin Charles is having a party, and I think it would be good if you showed up.. One morning when we were together he asked, So what are your plans for tonight? I said, Oh I dont know. I think you nailed it with that last bit, to an epic degree. I really wish I had some better scripts to deal with this stuff how do I limit our contact with her to a level where the kids and I are still happy to see her, without pissing her off? Thats fair.