If you are worried about how you'll feel without your job, start planning your retirement earlyso that you know what you will be doing for the first few months. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips . Whether you think that your husband misses work, feels less useful, worries about health issues, is bored or just unhappy, you're not alone in finding it difficult to help your other half settle into retirement. He is also rude about news readers on the television and I always miss half of what they are saying. Six year old beef lurking in the freezer. This has restricted what I can do, especially when it comes to physically helping him. If you are unhappy that your retired husband never leaves the house, is it because you want some alone time at home yourself? I think he realises how much he'd hate life without me. So many of our volunteers have health problems but love feeling useful. Help them realize they need purpose and fulfilment. It gave me the space I needed, plus some exercise. Apart from that, he does virtually nothing. Whatever it is you disagree on, give as much as you take of your partner's goodwill and encourage them to do the same. ", "I don't know how fit you are, but I can recommend HF walking holidays, on which there are always several single people, mainly women 'of a certain age'. Sometimes leaving work is so stressful that people start feeling depressed. And are you thinking along the same lines? What Are Your Retirement Expectations? My husband's two younger siblings still . Communication is the key. When your partner has retired, but you are still working, the challenge is to balance your different routines so that you feel fairly and affectionately treated. We both found them very helpful. "My husband has now retired, but I am still at work. When couples are several years apart in age and one spouse wants to retire earlier than the other, retirement can be a tricky transition. When my husband retired, people used to ask him 'are you enjoying your retirement?' ", "I have thought about adapting our present home (I dread the whole process of moving! Well, you might need to ask when your partner can't see what needs doing. This is more common than you think, and if you have a partner who is struggling with depression or low moods following retirement, the best thing you can do is to encourage him to seek help and help him get involved with activites such as volunteering. Manage Settings I was becoming a little resentful because my husband seems to have a lot more leisure time than I do. Will you be taking up new hobbies or will you be throwing yourselves into volunteering? ", "The best cure is to get them involved in some outdoor activities. I depend on my interests and work to keep me sane and social.". My husband turns wood and spends quite some time in his shed - alone. ", "My hubby took an interest in restoring small pieces of furniture to be sold at our local charity shop where I work as a volunteer two days a week. The person conducting the seminar said that being with your partner 24/7 is one of the most difficult things you will have to contend with in retirement. __CONFIG_colors_palette__{"active_palette":0,"config":{"colors":{"f3080":{"name":"Main Accent","parent":-1},"f2bba":{"name":"Main Light 10","parent":"f3080"},"trewq":{"name":"Main Light 30","parent":"f3080"},"poiuy":{"name":"Main Light 80","parent":"f3080"},"f83d7":{"name":"Main Light 80","parent":"f3080"},"frty6":{"name":"Main Light 45","parent":"f3080"},"flktr":{"name":"Main Light 80","parent":"f3080"}},"gradients":[]},"palettes":[{"name":"Default","value":{"colors":{"f3080":{"val":"rgb(23, 23, 22)"},"f2bba":{"val":"rgba(23, 23, 22, 0.5)","hsl_parent_dependency":{"h":60,"l":0.09,"s":0.02}},"trewq":{"val":"rgba(23, 23, 22, 0.7)","hsl_parent_dependency":{"h":60,"l":0.09,"s":0.02}},"poiuy":{"val":"rgba(23, 23, 22, 0.35)","hsl_parent_dependency":{"h":60,"l":0.09,"s":0.02}},"f83d7":{"val":"rgba(23, 23, 22, 0.4)","hsl_parent_dependency":{"h":60,"l":0.09,"s":0.02}},"frty6":{"val":"rgba(23, 23, 22, 0.2)","hsl_parent_dependency":{"h":60,"l":0.09,"s":0.02}},"flktr":{"val":"rgba(23, 23, 22, 0.8)","hsl_parent_dependency":{"h":60,"l":0.09,"s":0.02}}},"gradients":[]},"original":{"colors":{"f3080":{"val":"rgb(23, 23, 22)","hsl":{"h":60,"s":0.02,"l":0.09}},"f2bba":{"val":"rgba(23, 23, 22, 0.5)","hsl_parent_dependency":{"h":60,"s":0.02,"l":0.09,"a":0.5}},"trewq":{"val":"rgba(23, 23, 22, 0.7)","hsl_parent_dependency":{"h":60,"s":0.02,"l":0.09,"a":0.7}},"poiuy":{"val":"rgba(23, 23, 22, 0.35)","hsl_parent_dependency":{"h":60,"s":0.02,"l":0.09,"a":0.35}},"f83d7":{"val":"rgba(23, 23, 22, 0.4)","hsl_parent_dependency":{"h":60,"s":0.02,"l":0.09,"a":0.4}},"frty6":{"val":"rgba(23, 23, 22, 0.2)","hsl_parent_dependency":{"h":60,"s":0.02,"l":0.09,"a":0.2}},"flktr":{"val":"rgba(23, 23, 22, 0.8)","hsl_parent_dependency":{"h":60,"s":0.02,"l":0.09,"a":0.8}}},"gradients":[]}}]}__CONFIG_colors_palette__, {"email":"Email address invalid","url":"Website address invalid","required":"Required field missing"}, 21 Popular Sports for Seniors to Play and Stay Active, The Ultimate Guide on Things to Do When Retired and Bored, 12 of the Best Card Games for Older Adults, The Best Free Online Games for Older Adults, 21 Fun Things to Do with Elderly Parents That Make Memories, 7 Tips on Staying Motivated in Retirement, What to do in Retirement | 7 Fun Ways You Can Revitalize, The 8 Amazing Advantages of Retiring in Portugal: The Algarve, Practical Portugal Travel Tips for Older Adults and Retirees, Is Victoria BC a Good Place to Retire? I feel he has more leisure time than I do., "When my husband first retired he wasn't keen on the idea of cooking, but he did at least think he'd give it a go for a couple of nights a week. As much as you might like to, society frowns upon using a cattle prod upon your couch potato. "I think a daily to-do list would be a good idea if he genuinely can't see what needs to be done. Advertisement. You never know, there may be a hidden talent., I've been teaching him to cook and made him a recipe book of his favourite meals. "My husband decided to retire (without consulting me) when I was still working. How much time together? However, being supportive doesnt mean enabling bad behavior. Our bungalow suits us perfectly and even the garden is low maintenance. . "It's the strain of the negotiations and the process that is so destructive to the relationship. It seems to have worked for us - we have no regrets at all about giving up work.". In most cases, theyre unsure how to go about establishing these relationships. Read the full novel online for free here. He cannot see what he is losing in front of his face. We have our own tasks now (he routinely cleans the bathroom, floors and windows, vegetables and washes up anything that needs it and makes tea and coffee) sometimes we swap about and we often share tasks. Pricey, but you don't need to spend a thing while you are there. My husband in his wisdom then decided to take a part-time job, at least it started that way, but now he works virtually full-time and I find myself spending our retirement alone. It drove me nuts. Will you become irritated with your partner's habits? Why is Retirement Like Running a Marathon? Usually, my husband and I file our taxes married, filing separately. My husband recently retired, while I'm still working part-time. How much time will you spend on hobbies? After money, the single most common worry about retirement is how it will affect yourmarriage. And, I dont mean about the weather or how the kids are doing. I had to tell him that I didn't want to be with him all the time! If I send him shopping, he buys all sorts of things that we don't need, often things he bought 'in case we needed them' and so he has had to take them back. Finally, some retirees suffer from a loss of identity. This gives us the routine we were used to having when we were working. Talk with him and explain that you need some alone time when you come home, but that maybe once during the work week the two of you could have a dinner out so he has something to look forward to with you. ", "'Whatever' is the reply I give if he is really getting on my nerves and that usually makes him realise that he is doing it again. It reminds them of their mortality and possible memories of parents and relations getting old and vulnerable and possibly the irritation they felt when they saw older family members becoming unable to do things. Fortunately we had a dog. ", "I'm retired. Or Not? I would have liked us to retire together and do things such as travelling.". He is honest and faithful and I do not think it is up to me to try and make him someone else. First, have you talked to your husband about how his behaviour makes you feel? If he tries to cook something, I have to tell him what he needs, where it is and how to do it! Socializing by going for coffee with a friend or joining a club. Both of us retired. After all, you did make the relationship work while you were working, so this could be more about finding your footing in retirementthan your compatibility. No need to reinvent anything. Your full spouse's benefit could be up to 50 percent of your spouse's full retirement age amount if you are full retirement age when you take it. I said that is because I do not want to spend my evenings/weekends sat in front of the telly. Is Aging in Place the Best Option for An Elderly Parent or Loved One? 2. The Real Cost of Underliving Retirement and Life, The Best Age to Retire for Longevity and Happiness, Happiness In Retirement Is a Choice Not a Given, The Practical Guide of Decluttering Tips For Seniors, The 8 Most Common Retirement Mistakes Boomers Should Avoid, The Journey Through the Five Stages of Retirement, The Great Retirement Exodus: What Is Really Happening and Why, How Do You Write a Retirement Plan That Transforms Your Future. ", "My husband hated being retired and went back to work full-time at first and now part-time. I'm just so happy he is still here because life would be unbearable if he wasn't. For more support, join a community of over 250,000 users now Do you feel like your husband has become a little lazy since retirement? He refuses to deal with money matters, arrange holidays or even visit family. I'd say nothing, not even . Or Not? It doesnt mean they dont want those types of connections. After 42 years together, I keep looking at him and feeling so grateful and appreciative.". Have patience and be supportive. Here are some things only a wife with a retired husband will understand. If your disparity is so great that your relationship is breaking down after retirement, perhaps counselling could be an option. So all my efforts were for nothing. It is a big adjustment and it does take time. Which Is the Best Place to Retire: Costa Rica or Panama? Can you afford to stay in your current place of living? Even in the best of circumstances, retirement can challenge your marriage in ways you didn't expect. I am unable to work through ill health or I would go back to work myself. I get to do everything else. He thinks that dinner will be on the table, slippers will be warmed, house will be pristine and I will be waiting for him at the door in my negligee. Our free daily newsletter full of hot threads, competitions and discounts. Thank you for giving me permission to "do nothing" since my "early" retirement at age 55. Ultimately, its their choice on what interests them. From neighbours' behaviour to TV schedules, it sounds as if some men are, in general, just a little displeased with the state of thingsor at least quite willing to let others know that they're dissatisfied. ", "It's very hard to realise and accept that you may have another 20 years together both wanting completely different things. Whichever, it won't go away until you figure out what's missing in your life. ", We agreed there was a difference in the ability to notice things and he was more than happy to have a to-do list. ", "I think it is that lack of purpose, after a long career, that can sometimes cause depression. After five years of leisurely retirement, I was starting to feel guilty about not having my own personal finance / retirement blog. ", "My husband was dreading retirement. It's a horrible, confusing set of emotions. Will you want to do things together, or will you be happy having completely separate interests and perhaps just meet up in the evenings? It could be down to how the housework has been shared in the past or a lack of awareness or understanding of the amount of tasks which needs doing. - they got a very grumpy 'NO' in response. I think they find old age hard especially if they've been fit and sporty when younger. Nonetheless, we need to have a greater awareness of how to overcome what might be common problems. For more insights, seewill your marriage survive retirementorthe 7 most common marriage problems after retirement. "I used to ask him what was wrong, but he just kept saying 'nothing's wrong' and become even more grumpy. Patience and time will get you through this together. I wish you the best. Some people choose to retire, having looked forward to quitting unpleasant work, or to pursuing more fulfilling interests. The house is also such that we could make adaptations and live downstairs should we need to. Have you any children? It can be scary wondering if the best is behind us and perhaps regretting some of our decisions and worrying about the future. Another issue could be trying to find something that stimulates and keeps your interest. Thats not a healthy relationship! Thats not a bad thing as we all need some downtime. Perhaps you miss a job you loved or you're trying to get used to having someone else around the house all day. Has your husband ever said that you do something - house-related - better than he does? If that doesn't work, you should consider marriage counseling. Will I enjoy the novelty of lazy mornings or will it wear off? ", "The problems come when one or both partners has the oh-god-nothing-to-do syndrome. And then ask for a bit of time to do your own thing. 4 Ways to Consolidate Debt Before Retirement, How to Gracefully Retire from a Job On Your Own Terms, What Are Three Things to Consider for Your Financial Future and Security, The DIY Approach to Creating a Financial Plan for Retirement, Risks of Investing in Bonds for Your Retirement Portfolio, Sudden Job Loss!! Especially in the beginning, it is a good idea to remember that your spouse may need your support and encouragement to get going with this new phase of their life.