He got the ego stroke or attention he was after. AC promptly said he would do what he can, but did nothing just invited my friends over to more lunches and dinners.. keep All my friends getting sweet messages/gifts every other day from him, and I feel like he is trying to win them over. I still get triggered and I still walk around on eggshells. A lot less drama. In fact, I have had a feeling for a while that there may be a lot there that Id better not know. You shouldnt have to put yourself through the extra pain of knowing hes with his ex (or not). This for my own sake. . Appreciate you writing this. My kid(s) see right through you. But, same thing happens, again and again. Well, I dont know if his red flags are as red as my exs so maybe Im not really seeing red Oh, you are seeing red and he even told you very directly that he has red flags. Hi Demke, so did my daughter, in the end I wasnt allowed to even mention his name to her lol she really hated how angry he was, and when I said that I got angry as well she said yes but yours is a sad angrysuch a wise soul. I couldnt really forgive him but I could not let it go either. There are days that you just want to stay in rather than go anywhere that's true for just about everyone. No-one else can do it for you or feel what you feel. I had to go into therapy just for thateven relatively short term impact can be hell! Perfect explanation Sparkle! What a shame! Grudges aren't uncommon. I dont know if I have if I cant even say their names when I pray. I am to a point responsible for my looks, my lefties opinions but I am not responsible for this town though I truly wish to change it to something that functions. It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. I do not think he knows that I know this or that he is married. Thank you, Sparkle- for your post. This has been my biggest weakness! 2020; doi:10.11124/JBISRIR-D-19-00286. I hope we all reach this state and continue NC (and if we fall off, get right back on). I am deeply sorry for what you are going through,and although you dont know it now you can survive and pop out the other end of the dark tunnel into a new and better light. I can be a little OCD about stuff but I am determined 2 never let him close enough 2 hurt me again so I am NC for life w/him. "If we can hurt them like they have hurt us.". The new rebound guy isnt the bad guy in CCs scenario (as presented). information is beneficial, we may combine your email and website usage information with She is pathetic. Like my mother for example? I am and will always be a person of extremes. Please trust yourself. Despite your best efforts, its impossible not to be hurt or disappointed by loved ones at some point in your life. Click here for an email preview. Just meet some one else fast. When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong.. You dont need anyone like that in your life. There are some tips Ive learned which may or may not work for you but I hope theyll lead to a better understanding of how we can refocus our thoughts. Everyone thinks he is an absolutely fantastic husband, and I was lucky to have a man who was taking his kids here and there, putting out the bins, growing loads of his own veg, always smiling. That worked. We get it all here. He isn't a human golden retriever all the time. the biggest betrayal of all is when a parent cant really love. dont care, dont care, dont care. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Recently, before I broke up he wanted to see me less and less and definitely displayed other narcissistic and hurtful behaviors. Dont make excuses for this idiot! Whoever it is know theyre pushing you around, beating you up, and hurting you. I definately would be easily tempted to still be nice, and have a selective memory. Harboring a grudge When people hold a grudge, they stay in the victim role and perpet- uate negative emotions associated with rehearsing the hurtful offense (Baumeister, Exline, & Sommer, 1998). Grudges are a form of punishment. I am able to focus on the crap he did and realize I do not want another helping. You feel great in the beginning (that high), then slowly, but surely You begin to feel the toll it takes on you, and those closest to you. Behaving just like a drug addict, withdrawing from the fix. They always tell you who they are. Write it on the bathroom mirror if you have to. Yes, you are correct-breaking the no contact would be a way in which to stay connected and see if yet there is a chance he will commit and to communicate my hurt and anger. "We may have a grudge towards someone but pretend like things are fine; until an unrelated issue sets us off," Connie L. Habash, a licensed marriage and family therapist and interfaith minister, told INSIDER. you deserve the best! He replied were not over. Dear Grace, Sparkle, courtney, Kit-Kat, Elgie R., and Mymble. Thank you. Your response is keeping me strong. You see Magnolia, this is what I was saying before. Its fire, not the moon! To provide you with the most relevant and helpful information, and understand which When all is said and done, the best revenge is your own happiness and success. Im due to see him at another social event this week and Ive decided to tell him in no uncertain terms that Im not OK with pretending to people that were friends and that hes superficial and shallow- and a coward for not having the gumption to tell me that hed moved on. Your behavior as a mother is scrutinized by your children so you should want to always set a good example for them to follow. What if? Forgiveness is an act of faith. Grace Thank you. I wanted to emphasize that our instincts often tell us what we need to know about the guys we tend to date, and if CC feels that way towards any guy, whether its about the guy or about herself, she needs to pay attention and trust herself. Its been over a year, and Im getting better and then suddenly something will hit me and I will crash emotionally. Someone he doesnt have to fully invest in or commit to, regardless of the title he may give her. You can do so much better. And then I realized, all BR readers should be telling themselves that. We got back together after the second break up and now he doesnt want a committed relationship and we broke up again-this time I with him as his behavior was so HURTFUL. But, are you really compatible? Hey, hes acting that way, why do I think its OK for him and its not OK for me??? Absolutely true! Ive never in my life had a problem being undecided or being able to keep a friendly distance with someone who I dont have much feelings for. Its true that I want to leave with him thinking of me as a good person. But thats the way it is. Nonforgiveness is to build a dreadful . Theyre either in or theyre out! The difference is that Ive chosen to use this painful experience to grow as a person and that usually means letting go of the past and never looking back. However, I have a pattern of putting up with snarky, toxic, hostile behavior from acquaintances. "We find great excuses to do a task in another room from our partner, become slow to return phone calls from a friend, or feel that we're just too busy to get together.". Kit-Kat, I suffer from the same problem. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret. I guess that sounds awful but its just me. Thats just circumstantial. Did I learn lessons along the way? Theres a saying, What you resist persists,and its true. I want to contact him less frequently. They arent listening or tell you youre just plain wrong. Courtney- thank you so much for your wisdom I know I need to stay out of them soooooo hard. My family disliked him as well, the brother I am closest to disliked him instantly and the ex AC always tried to stop me seeing him because of this. Im just searching for some truth. He just wants us to be friends thats all. Probably. I cannot be held responsible for a guy not having a backbone :-)! Grudges are a learned response. They run rampant on dating sites. Hell, no! Sadly, in its effort to garner empathy, a grudge ends up depriving a. I'm Not Holding A Grudge, I'm Setting A Boundary. Not forgiving the person who wronged you is the essence of holding a grudge. Or immature? And when the topic of our relationship came up I was always telling my side of the story HOPING he would give me an apology, a crumb, anything to make me feel like it REALLY WASNT ME. I agree that we probably agree more than Im realizing becausewellIm confused about what you mean. 100%. How he acted towards me said more about him than it did about me. I can't handle being around my mother for more than an hour at a time. The weekend was stunningly beautiful, romantic, and had me thinking that all of the demons had left him. But if you hold on to that pain, you might be the one who pays most dearly. Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you, recognize how those emotions affect your behavior, and work to release them. When you say it out loud and try to stop them, they will fight back with everything they have. Hes not stupid, and he knows Im protecting my heart. In the end (8 yrs later), after numerous talks, etc I was left just bitter and resentment. *Wear a rubber band and whenever you think of your ex, snap it on your wrist. Meaning: You won't forget what she did. Should I break the no contact? Take a minute. He keeps telling me that all these women texting him think hes an ass and laughs about it again. Merci. NOTHING, time to live in present and learn/forget my painful past! Don't be afraid to ask for some space or take a step back before continuing the conversation. Ultimately, dont let anybody make you feel bad about the fact that you have knowledge or awareness of something and are being responsible enough to ensure that your values and boundaries reflect this. I am extremely not saying hes a bad guy or he shoulda, woulda, coulda. There's a difference between "forgiving" and moving on. Interesting post & timing of it. Sending love and hugs your way. But if you feel like you need to (or want to) cancel plans with someone, you might want to reflect a bit more on the reason why. I take it to mean all the people in church who wind me up because, you know, Im spending eternity with them. I know this was ridiculously LONG, but through a lot of growing pains and perspective, thats what made sense to me. It is constantly holding something over another persons head, not letting them recover from a past failure. It sounds like you did your research on learning about Narcs. Surely ther. Hi Rosie! Of course, they object when you point it out. Holding a grudge means hanging on to the bitterness, resentment, and anger. Of course I didnt get it because he knew he could control just from the promise of a crumb. I have no idea why I had such a high threshold for this in the past. Link in bio.#recoveringpeoplepleaser #recoveringperfectionist #codependentnomore #healthyboundaries #narcissisticabuse, Sometimes the person you need to say no to is *yourself*. It does get better with NC, really it does. Mommy I dont believe that you need to forgive him, thats something only you can decide. Sparkle that video is really emotional to watch for me, having been where that woman was too. But thats just me. I wish I didnt have to keep the distance up, and I think if there is forgiveness that ever needed to happen, I do forgive. Its so elementary but I hadnt thought of what you said, at least not in that way. information and will only use or disclose that information as set forth in our notice of He told me that he might get full residence of the kids as I was a crap mum and he did 90% of their care. And, of course I couldnt tell him I followed him and what I had discovered. But, its OK. You can draw a boundary without being bitter. He can protect his own ego by staying away from me and working on improving himself as I move on. Not doing it! The trouble is that when we mistake being cognizant of the past and what another person may have said or done as bearing grudges we lose a vital opportunity to acknowledge our feelings, our own path, and any lessons weve stood to gain from our experiences in general or with a particular person. But I am trying to maintain my dignity. She has been told over and over that she cannot treat people the way she treats them and not have consequences. So you do. It is OKAY to like someones personality better than my exs. Sometimes I feel I do, but mostly I feel I dont. A year of being single and not dating has changed my perspective of myself and what i am capable of. Im sure she doesnt know he overlapped us for many months at the least. NC Nice idea but no one can correct a relationship on their own. For example, Ive begun to pray for my enemies, including childhood abusers. If you forgive, you may be able to let go of your grudge and start to move on with your life. And awareness. Talk to you soon. And yes, it is very much like an addiction. He made sure that I never got what I wanted and needed. Like carrying a heavy bag for a long time, you stop really noticing until you put it down, then oh, the relief! He has not been dependable, or offered you much of anything, except a bit of charm. To put it simply, you're holding a grudge. I think it is fine that he knows that I do not think hes a good guy deserving of me letting bygones be bygones. and the terms "ill will / feelings" mean: Bad feelings between people because of things that happened in the past. Forgiveness is to be a liberator, an emancipator, a freer of spirits once shackled by mistakes of the past. He married that gf (maybe, already fiance?) Hard pass! Good for you for not going along with that plan, because the outcome would have ultimately been much the same but you would feel worse. "Choosing to become emotionally detached and uninterested in someone you're trying to forgive. surprise surprise. I tried to be friends with him again this year. It will be different. If you can truly wish someone the best without being best friends with them, you're probably not holding a grudge. We had a rough go of things when I was a teenager. YESSSSSSS!!!! Even knowing that wasnt enough for me, I apparently needed a hefty dose of agonizing pain before I finally had my fill and got burned so bad Ill never want to be in that pit again. I wrote this before I read some of the other posts about forgiveness. I hear you, and I know you are right. Tinkerbell People date those they work with, who go to the same church, the same college, friends of friends, and neighbours. I dont wish them damnation as their salvation really is the best revenge. I see so clearly now he was a narcissists w/a harem. Ask your doctor, Forgiveness Letting go of grudges and bitterness. Your comment as presented reads to me that you are not really considering how all this may affect new guy. I knowtime heals all wounds. Vindication? Then he offers you that diminishing relationship, proceeds to say well talk, then pulls away. She left me a voice mail message one day when I didnt do something for her fast enough. I realized Id only be going because I felt obligated to attend and not really because I wanted to see any of these people. After 14 months NC, including resisting polite invitations and helpful referrals (all phrased as though everything was honky dory between us), I broke NC via text randomly last month due to a clusterfuck practical circumstance. I too agree we should avoid hurting others the way weve been hurt. To me forgiveness is not making some epic thing about how she wronged me and making her somehow see that. Release the control and power that the offending person and situation have had in your life. Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. Thats a strong, beautifully empowering thought. exceedingly fortunate I do NOT suffer mental illness. Grudges also often feature persistent rumination about the person and/or incident at the center of your ill-will. document.getElementById( "ak_js_4" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); When you login first time using a Social Login button, we collect your account public profile information shared by Social Login provider, based on your privacy settings. shattered you dont need anyones permission but do be prepared for a big let down or, worse, to be insulted. He couldnt even buy a coffee without being all charming and seductive with the girl behind the counter. A boundary is wiping that gum off, accepting the evidence that it was once there, but moving forward without that bump. And find a way to learning about and empowering yourself. But often the most challenging aspect of getting hurt is letting go of any lingering resentment after you forgive them. Im polite he feels validated and off he goes. Maybe he was just showing off to his friends, I dont know. Text book I tell you. I couldnt seem to break free. Dont take your first attempt. The researchers found six main components of holding a grudge, including: Sometimes, we get so obsessed with a grudge that we develop a sort of tunnel vision. He also conveniently forget to tell me that his old friend was coming to visit and the relationship is not platonic his words!!! I had both forgiven and forgotten. Finally opening up about a topic that has hurt you on an ongoing basis can be emotionally draining. It feels so awful not to handle things well and to lose so much confidence. Realize this. It is boring and lacks any excitement. My feeling is that it really doesnt matter what race, color, or creed we are. Lower blood pressure. I am still angry and annoyed and want revenge, but thats just not going to happen or help. It means theres a part of him thats unhealthy and drawn to her for that reason. I really have no feelings towards her at all. Thank you for your reply. I was strict NC with him for a really long time but even that became a non issue as time went on. Holding a grudge happens when. I am very up front with him too. What is the difference between forgiving our enemies and forgiving unrepentant people? In my experience, knowing what makes them tick and knowing theyre mentally ill and cant help it makes the whole thing more comprehensible (though certainly not less painful). Anyways my first thought was to text him and tell him I forgive you and there are no hard feeling since our last interaction 7 wks ago me telling him to stop calling, it made me feel super guilty and I felt bad for him. The difference in these recent EUM situations I was in, is that I never got emotionally invested. Up until very very recently I would have sung his praises about being a caring good man-Im blown away.
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